Topping?!

His name was Cami, and we met at a summer job. He seemed quite a bit younger than me but maybe it was only 2 years. He was small, about my height and weight – really small for a guy. I guess I had become his safe space, since he would come talk to me about stuff he couldn’t talk to other people about. One night he came and sat in my lap, he said “I have a secret, I like somebody.” He went on to tell me about how he really liked this guy we worked with, someone who could have been his twin as far as looks went. Some night after, Cami came over to my house to drink and watch movies. We curled up on the sofa together and we kissed a couple of times. I remember thinking that I couldn’t date him, because I would just steamroll over him and crush him. I was worried that I would hurt him, emotionally and physically. What scared me was that I wanted to.

My friend Z once told me that he liked pixie girls. That he liked reaching around and ripping their wings off. I know exactly what he meant, well I didn’t then but I do now.

After my realization about not being able to date Cami, I stuck to toppy men. Men who would hold me down and play rough. I had a running joke that I needed a man who knew how I needed to be beaten. Pepper was my first boyfriend that didn’t separate out the kink from the relationship, and I loved it.

About a year ago I met a boy at a TNG munch, local dinners for kinky people under 35. He was my height and weighed a bit less, very cute bright eyed. I nicknamed him the Puppy. We talked for a while and I remember thinking “I can’t date him, I’ll run over him just like Cami”. But here is the difference – Puppy was kinky and wanted to be run over.

This is truly one of the hardest things I have ever had to wrap my brain around. I wanted to hurt this person, not emotionally hurt him, but physically. I wanted to sink my claws in and shake him until he whimpered. How sick is that? Don’t ask me why it’s ok to have someone hitting me until I whimper and go all mushy, but causing someone else pain and getting off on it is really fucking sick.

I gave the Puppy my email at the munch, explained about the “poly thing” and asked if he would like to hang out sometime. We went to the Folsom Street Fair with a group of people and then to coffee a few days later. And then that Friday we all went to Bent, a kink party for the under 40 crowd. Pepper and I went and scened, and after I went to check in with the Puppy, we stood in the dungeon and watched some of the stuff going on. At some point I realized that I had my hand in his hair holding his back against my chest, pulling his head back and taking little nips out of neck. I hadn’t asked, hell I hadn’t even kissed him. I didn’t even know if this person was interested in going on another date with me, but I was so high on it I’m not sure if I could have stopped.

It’s something about the way they whimper. How they look at you with big eyes and say beat me, and when you hit them they press their face into you like you are the safest place in the world. How do you not hit them when they ask you like that?

It was a hard thing to learn about myself, and it’s changed a lot of things for me. It’s become hard to submit, even to my lover and top of five years. But as Pepper says, a spine looks good on me. I think topping made me do some more of that growing up that I just never seemed to have gotten around to the first time. It has changed how I feel about my control over things and life. And how I react to other people’s control and power.

There are very few people that I would feel comfortable submitting to and even less that I would want to top. But at the moment I have the best of both worlds, a sweet top who is helping me learn my subby side all over again, and a cute Puppy pain slut who is reminding me that I have a power all my own.

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