Pain: She’s Gotta Have It

Chili Peppers

Sometimes I have a strong craving to be hurt, to receive pain.  It’s not an endorphin high I’m seeking, instead it’s an actual desire to feel an extreme sensation.  I am lucky to have sadistic lovers in my life, but what to do when they’re out of town or otherwise occupied?

Needles are an obvious choice for self-pain, but I’ve avoided using them that way for two reasons.  First, it feels like the wrong type of pain.  I get high so quickly off of them that it’s more of a treat than the painful experience I am seeking.  Second, I like to think of needles as special; needleplay is more like a journey, and I don’t want to use them for something that is just the equivalent of an evening jerk-off.

Another possibility would be clothespins, or other clamping devices.  Again, I feel like the type of pain isn’t quite right for what I’m looking for.  It burns going on, it stops hurting after a while (possibly), and then it hurts a lot more coming off.  If I’m turned on, they’re a good thing (a really good thing), but otherwise I’m not particularly keen on them, and the point of this exercise is not for orgasm, it’s for pain.

The sensations I’m craving most in these situations seem to be associated with slapping, spanking, flogging, and especially caning.  None of these seem optimal for self-infliction (I suppose I could hit some of the spots on my body, but it would be awkward).  But a large part of it also is that I want to go further than I can push myself… and that’s where having a sadistic lover or three comes in handy.

The time in my life when I had the largest desire to receive pain was after an injury.  I was on anti-inflammatories 24 hours a day for nearly half of a year, and still somewhat in daily pain.  I think what I was seeking was control over pain: having the ability to ask for it and get it, as opposed to the completely non-consensual injury-related pain.  I had a lot of wonderful scenes during that period, thanks to some wonderful tops in my life.

The most recent time I craved pain with no lovers handy, I decided to overload on spicy food as a compromise.  It’s not easy for me to get spicy enough food (since my spice tolerance is ridiculously high by Western standards), but I had a hot tip about an habanero dosa (the waitstaff told me it was the dish sent back most often, for being too spicy; after tasting it, I ended up ordering a side of habanero chutney to raise it to the level I wanted).  If a dish is spicy enough, I first get a spicy overload as I’m eating it, which may include feeling hot, a bit of an endorphin rush, pain and tingling in my mouth, lips, and tongue… mmmm.  A few hours later, I may be lucky (on unlucky, depending on your point of view) enough to feel it traveling through my system.  Eventually, should I have consumed spicy-enough food, I might even feel it exit painfully.  It’s an experience that’s slightly out of my control, but not as much as I’d like.

So does this type of craving happen to anyone else when they’re flying solo?  What do you do?


  1. What a flipping amazing blog! I’m so happy I stumbled my way here.

    And, haha, I’d never admited it to anyone – but I too have an addiction to spicy food, for all the reasons you describe.

    Sadly, when I’m alone, I tend to torture myself by doing extremely boring things – so boring they hurt. Which is why my bathroom is so shiny clean right now.


    • Ah, that’s way more productive.

      Drop me a line if you’re ever out here; we can torture ourselves with spicy food together!

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